


I'll be home for Christmas (If only in my dreams)

by Dawninn_Gamgee



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Feels, Childhood Memories, Christmas Dinner, Christmas Eve, Christmas Presents, Christmas Tree, Christmas traditions, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dan is one forgetful shit, Feels, Fluffy Christmas feels, Hot Chocolate, Letter fic, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Phil's blue eyes, Reasons why Dans a fail, Snow, Swearing, Tyler Oakley - Freeform, Ugly Jumpers, Upset Dan, carols, depressed dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 21:56:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5308322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dawninn_Gamgee/pseuds/Dawninn_Gamgee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s funny when I think of how much I used to like Christmas, considering that now I feel like such a Grinch. But I bet you know why, and I hope you don’t judge me. Because last year was the last Christmas we spent together. But, hey, let’s start at the beginning.</p><p>A letter from Dan to Phil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll be home for Christmas (If only in my dreams)

Dear Phil.

 

I’ve always loved Christmas, I’m pretty sure you know that. It’s weird, though, that I don’t remember my first Christmas Eve or what I got from my parents that year. Hell, I don’t even remember my mom preparing hot chocolate the way she always did. My first memory ever comes from when I was 3. I remember mum being all cheery and talking about this guy called “Santa”, and… ha, believe it or not, I thought she was going to cheat on my dad! Well, not like that, I was a kid of course, how would I know what is to cheat on someone? But I remember that I didn’t like the way mum spoke of him! And dad? He was all busy setting up a tree and decorations and lights. For a month we had this big Christmas tree in our living room, and I didn’t understand just why they would do that; I mean, we had a lot of trees outside of our house. Why bring a tree INSIDE the house? But then Christmas Eve arrived, along with all the carols and dinner! I thought it was like a second birthday, and damn, I was SO happy! I got presents, lots of food, and everyone looked so happy. Mom and dad gave me a small teddy bear. Next year, I couldn’t WAIT for christmas to arrive! It didn’t matter if I was 5 or 15, Christmas time cheered me up so much. I really thought it was the most wonderful time of the year.

Why am I telling you this now? Maybe because I never told you before, or just ‘cause I felt like it. Years passed, and I met you. Remember how I used to stalk you endlessly? Sorry about that. It was a good thing, though, that despite me being so socially awkward (and a fetus) you thought that it was a good idea for us to meet. Remember the first time we celebrated Christmas? No? Me neither. I guess it’s funny how I don’t remember the most important things. But I do remember the first Christmas we spent together in our house. Well, it wasn’t really our house, just the flat we shared, but we always thought of it like “our house”. Remember? And... Sorry, I spaced out again. Where was I? Oh yeah. That year we didn’t have a lot of money for a tree or decorations, but we put up every penny we had (we even asked our friends to help us!) to buy a few things. I was so excited! And you just knew how much Christmas meant to me, even if I didn’t tell you WHY. We set up the tree, and then your parents called you. You told me NOT to start placing the decorations yet because you really wanted to do that yourself, but… I’M SO SORRY, I COULDN’T HELP IT. I’M SUCH A BAD PERSON. OMG. Sorry for that. When you came in the living room I was clumsily trying to place the star on top of the tree, and, as luck would have it, I tripped. Yeah, because I’m cool like that. I didn’t fall, though, because you grabbed me and said, “Gosh, Dan, you’re gonna kill yourself. Why didn’t you wait for me?” You rolled your eyes and picked the star from the floor. “Here. I’ll do it.” And that was it. From that day on, it would always be you the one to put up the star. It was our tradition, even though we didn’t plan on it. Now that I think of it, it was a very RIDICULOUS tradition. It doesn’t even make sense! I mean, I’m taller than you! But you never complained. After all, most families have their own silly Christmas traditions, and this was ours.

And Christmas time became even greater than before, because you were a part of it now. Remember that year when we had a Christmas dinner slash party slash lots of alcohol with our friends but instead we ended up snuggling and watching a FRIENDS marathon? Or the year when you bought me an ugly, over-sized jumper that made my skin itch like crazy but that I wore anyway because it made you happy? Or that time we were so drunk we fell on the stairs and laughed so hard our friends had to come and pick us? Or those times when we baked cookies and pastries. And suddenly Christmas was no longer about the tree, or the carols and decorations. It wasn’t about the gifts, neither about the dinner. It was about you. About us. Somehow, you had become the most important part of my life. And then last year… well, you know what happened last year.

It’s funny when I think of how much I used to like Christmas, considering that now I can’t even listen to carols or wish anyone a happy Christmas. It just… depresses me. I feel like such a Grinch. But I bet you know why, and I hope you don’t judge me. Because last year was the last Christmas we spent together. But, hey, let’s start at the beginning.

I never gave you presents on Christmas, not because I didn’t want to, but because I’ve always been one forgetful shit. I would give you presents, of course, but the day after, or the week that followed. That was me, world: Dan, the little shit who always forgot to buy Phil a present on Christmas (yay). You would always smirk and tell me that it wasn’t necessary, that I didn’t need to give you anything (bullshit), but that look of joy and the glistening in your eyes every time you opened my gifts was all that I needed to feel like I wasn’t a complete failure. To feel like I deserved you. Because, oh, Phil, what did I ever do to deserve you? It just made me so happy. You made me so happy. That’s why last year was going to be different. I wanted it to be special. Just for you. Because I loved you.

I guess that didn’t hit me until later in life. The fact that I loved you. And, no, I don’t mean it like bro love, or loving you because you were -still are- my best friend. I loved you in the most romantic of ways. How couldn’t I see that before? Our friends were the first ones to notice. Then our fans. I guess we acted like a couple way before I even realized that that was what we were doing, but it just felt so natural. Like the way we would cuddle on a rainy day, or make each other dinner, or sit quietly next to each other, just reading a book or browsing through Tumblr. Or those times when our hands just connected, for no particular reason, and we would just hold hands without even realizing it. I used to look at you like you were the sun. I still do. But now things are different. Hey, Phil, do you think I could have been a better flatmate? A better friend? A better me? I was the best that I could, for you, but apparently it wasn’t enough.

Back to last year’s Christmas, I wanted to buy the most AMAZING of gifts to you. I bought it online, but not quite on time. It was Christmas’ Eve already, and your gift hadn’t been delivered yet. I made a call and they told me that the package wasn't going to be sent until the day after because of a blizzard warning. A BLOODY BLIZZARD. Are you KIDDING ME? It never snows in London, at least not in december and let alone a blizzard, so why was this happening to me?! I was not going to let that happen, because giving gifts to you the day after Christmas was just the thing I did on a regular basis. They told me that the package was in the city, and that if I couldn’t wait for the delivery they could let me go and pick it myself. I grabbed my keys and went to the door. “Hey, Dan, the hell do you think you’re going?,” you told me. I just put on a coat and mumbled some nonsensical shit that sounded like “None of your business”. I didn’t mean to be rude! I was just SO UPSET! I didn’t want to ruin Christmas for you! Again. All I wanted was Christmas to be perfect and to give you the perfect gift. The most amazing gift ever. But I blew it. You stood on the doorway, “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Dan, but I’m not letting you go out. There’s a bloody blizzard warning and there’s snow all over the place. You want to kill yourself? You’ll slip on ice!” I felt like I was a kid and you were chiding.”I just have to go out, okay? I promise It’ll only be 5 minutes!” You looked at me like I was stupid, “Yeah, sure. Just get you butt in here already. Dinner’s almost ready! I made your favorite recipe of-” But I didn’t let you finish. “Just shut up!”, I said as I walked to the building’s entrance. If only I had stayed home like you told me. “Dan? Dan!”, you called after me, but I already was walking down the pavement. Why didn’t I turn around then? Why did I keep going? You were worried about me, just like I would be worried about you if you told me you wanted to go out in such a weather. “Dan, wait!” Those were probably the last words of which you were conscious. I heard a thud, and when I turned around you were lying on the floor. “Ph… PHIL!” I ran to you, but I guess it was too late. You were staring blankly at the sky, with your eyes wide open and blue… so blue. I moved your shoulder, “Phil… can you hear me? Phil…? PHIL!!”

But you didn’t hear me. You didn’t hear me then and you didn’t hear me when I was crying and calling your name in the ambulance. And, lastly, you didn’t hear me when the doctor told me what had happened, or when we were burying you in a cold, cold grave. You slipped on ice, and hit your head too hard. I remember trying to move you, and getting my hands stained in red. I remember when I held your hand in the ambulance, and how your eyes slowly turned gray, like you were fading from existence. And you were. That night I didn’t eat the dinner you had prepared, neither the day after. In fact, I don’t remember when was the last time I ate. I’m so thin, Phil. I’m sorry.

You know what’s funny? That I’m the clumsy one, not you. How did you slip, Phil? Just how? That wasn’t supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen. As luck would have it your gift arrived the day after. I was tempted to throw it in the garbage. But I didn’t. I wrote you a letter, and a few days later I went to the cemetery so I could give it to you. I cried so hard, Phil. I don’t remember how much time I spent there, just staring at your grave and crying. Somehow I hoped that you would pop out of somewhere, smiling and laughing and telling me how much of a fool I was for believing that you would leave me alone just like that. But you never showed up. You still haven’t shown up. I guess I’m still waiting for you, Phil, though I’m starting to realize that that will never happen. Our friends told me that I spent a week or so at the cemetery, mumbling to you like you were by my side. They told me that I even laughed a few times. Awkwardly enough, the only times that I’ve laughed since you passed away have been when I’ve felt close to you. I’m sorry, though, that I haven’t visited you in such a long time. But don’t worry, I’m about to see you again. Speaking of which, did you like your gift? I’m sorry it wasn’t on time, but this year’s present will definitely be on time, and I’ll deliver it personally.

Want to know how I’ve been since you left? I’m still living in our house. Family and friends told me that I should move somewhere else, somewhere cheaper, but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t bear the idea of someone else living in all of those places which now I consider sacred. They wouldn’t understand that chocolate spot on the wall from when we made brownies, or that this chair is where you used to sit on Sundays to watch tv. They wouldn’t understand why I keep your room nice and tidy, or why I keep watering your plants. Tyler told me that it wasn’t good for me to keep remembering these things. I say fuck him. Fuck everyone. They don’t understand. I mean, Tyler’s been such a good friend after you left, but still… It’s complicated.

I’ve stopped making videos, too. Because how can there be a Danisnotonfire without an AmazingPhil? There won't be a PINOF8 this year, nor ever again. Besides, I don’t think my fans would like to see me like this. They’ve been very supportive, but I don’t want to break their hearts. To make matters worse, what could I possibly speak about? Drinking alcohol til you drop on the floor with Dan? How to stop eating for weeks and somehow remain alive? How long can Dan cry in a video? Sleeping on Phil’s bed for an entire day and doing nothing productive in life? How long is too long without taking a shower? AmazingPhil marathon so I can cry myself to sleep? I think not. But life doesn’t care if you’re depressed or if your best friend has passed away: I’m drowning in debts. I haven’t received a paycheck in months because I haven’t been “working”, and I don’t plan to ever work again. My mom and dad have helped me a lot, but soon their help is not going to be enough. Don’t worry, though. I’ve got it all sorted out.

You know what’s the thing I regret the most? That last Christmas was the time when I was finally going to tell you that I loved you. I never told you before, mainly because I never thought it was important. I just assumed you knew, because you were the only thing certain in my life. Like the sun rising everyday. You were my sun, Phil. You were the sunshine in my eyes. But that’s not what I regret most. Do you remember what were the last things I ever said to you? “None of your business”, “just shut up”. Yup And that’s me, ladies and gentlemen, just proving once again how much of a fail I am. Ha. You know I didn't mean any of that, right. Right?

Now it’s Christmas time again. I can’t believe it’s been a year since the last time I saw you. Since the last time we talked. I’m not at home. I've been drinking all day and now I’m drunk as fuck. I’m barely conscious as I write this. Earlier I went around town, looking at the trees and lights, and at all of those things that used to make me so happy when you were alive. Now it’s all so... dull, blurry. People look so happy and I wish I could look just as happy as they do, but I’m broken. I’m so broken, Phil. I’ve tried to go out, I’ve tried to meet new people. Nothing works. And I fear nothing will ever work. But I don’t blame you. It was all my fault. My bloody fault. All of it.

I think there’s music in the background… I can’t really tell. My head's a mess right now. I’m a mess. But I try and focus on the music… yes. It’s a tune.. one old tune. It rings a bell, though I can’t really focus on the words, the lyrics… Truth be told, I can’t really focus on anything right now. It must be all those pills. All those bloody pills… But, no, I can’t die just now. I haven’t finished this letter. Where was I? Ah, yes. The music. Finally, I recognize the tune and identify the song. Here outside it’s so cold and I can barely move my lips, but somehow I manage to mumble some lyrics.

“I'm dreamin' tonight of a place I love..Even more than I usually do… And although I know it's a long road back....”

I should have brought a jumper. Maybe that awful oversized jumper you gave me. Somehow I didn’t think of it. I’m laying over your grave as snow falls over my face and all around me. Everything looks so white, Phil. So white.

“I'll be home for Christmas… You can count on me… Please have snow and mistletoe… And presents under the tree”

What is this thing on my hair? I think it's frost but I can't be sure. I guess I should be trembling but my body doesn't bother with that. It doesn't bother with trying to keep me alive. I hold in my hand your present. This year it will finally be on time, and I’ll deliver it personally. Wait. I already say that, didn’t I? 

“Christmas Eve will find me where the love light gleams…”

I’m feeling it now, Phil. I’m about to see you again. Aren’t you happy? We’ll spend this Christmas together, the way it always should be. I'm sorry it took me this long to go and find you. I'm going home, Phil. Can I have some hot chocolate when I arrive? 

“I’ll be home for Christmas if only in my dreams...”

I'm not going to make it through the night. I’m cold and drunk and ate so many pills. I don't know what's going to kill me first. But that's a good thing, is it not? I can’t wait to see you again, Phil. Will you be happy to see me? I hope you like my present. We can have a nice dinner together and sit by the fire. I can rest on your chest and we can sing carols. Do you have a Christmas tree there? Have you put up the star yet? I can’t wait to find out.

“I’ll be home for Christmas…”

I’ll end this letter now, before I'm too far gone to even remember my name. In fact, I don't know how I'm still writing. My hands are shaking. My whole body is going numb. At this very moment I feel so sleepy... like I'm about to close my eyes. With any luck I won't open them again. But this is not a goodbye! After all I'm about to see you again! Just wait a little longer, Phil. ‘Cause tonight I’ll be home for Christmas. 

If only in my dreams. 

 

Dan How...Lester.

**Author's Note:**

> Can someone help me correct this? I'm not a native speaker and I think this could sound more british-like. Did you like it? Please write a comment! And Merry Christmas.


End file.
